| we are nothing but sheep with machine guns and cigarettes.
whoops, i just got your leg.
too bad about jack setting leo on fire yesterday, eh?
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| there is a difference
between wanting to be blank,
and being truly, utterly, infallibly blank.
so i'm sorry i can't give you what you want.
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| Now that I know what's going on in my head chemicals,
I can't tell the difference between low serotonin and what I really want.
Like if this Eric thing could actually happen, or if that's just some "primitive drive" my low-levels can't repress.
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| I feel like there is molten plastic solidifying in my muscles.
I don't move;
I don't want to move,
Even if the stillness hurts as much as movement.
I want soup and fleeces and quiet movies.
And maybe some plants to keep me company.
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| Robert gave me 19 new hours of music to listen to yesterday. I'm pretty set. The John Vanderslice and Pendulum are great.
I find this whole Harris deal sort of unnerving, but not overwhelmingly so. I love my new immunity to active emotions. Like excitement, or worrying, or having some dumb, unexplained crush on a guy at my work who is over twenty years older than me.
This is exactly like I told Lauren in my last comment to her (haha):
He listens to me. He'll politely listen and look at me while I go on about my family, or where my sister lives, or how I take amitriptylene to stop headaches. And it's weird, because there's some kind of buzz when we're talking - even in the silence, some weird electric static that almost feels tangible. Basically, like all crappy romance novels ever.
And I can't tell if it's just me being dumb. I don't know if he notices it, if he feels like there's something driving him to talk to me the way I do. But there's something in his manner, the way he will actually stop and take time to listen to me, to talk to me.
God, I'm stupid.
Talking to Daniel again and dying for something to happen there,
Considering trying to start some idiotic fling with Eric again,
Desperately wanting to talk to someone I hardly even know who could be my father in age.
If there were an emoticon for laughing bitterly, I would use it here.
Pahaha, fucking pathetic I am.
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